Another Retelling of Wicked! Yay!
by Yorkie Lover
Summary: The title says it all. :-D Random guest stars appear at times. Hope you like this! Oh, and did I mention I revised the first ten chapters? Because I love you so!
1. No One Mourns the Undead Wicked

**A/n: Yay another Wicked parody!! Tehe. There are HP references in this chapter. Just forewarning you. (No spoilers or anything. Swear to Oz.)**

**Disclaimer: If I actually owned Wicked, would I be writing a fanfic on it? Or would I be making it into a movie?**

**Chapter 1: No One Mourns the (Undead) Wicked (Who Wasn't Actually Wicked)**

(Really long intro music plays. It is a mix of As Long as Your Mine, the "unlimited" parts-you know, the part in The Wizard and I, Defying Gravity, etc.- and some other stuff, so unless you've seen the musical before or listened to it, you won't be able to place the music until later on.)

Ozians: Yay!! She's dead!!! Good news!!! Good news!!! Good news!!! Good news!!! Goo-

Ozian #1: (who is not Boq) (annoyed because the others wouldn't stop saying "Good news") OMG!!! It's GLINDA!!!!!! MARRY ME, GLINDA!!!!

Glinda: NOOO!! I thought I finally finished you off, Boq!!

Boq: What??!!

Glinda: Uhh... jk?

Boq: I can never forgive you. Ever.

Glinda: (magically makes a Life-Sized Glinda Barbie doll appear.) Here.

Boq: OMG!!! I always wanted one of these!!! THANK YOU, KUMBRIC WITCH!!!!

Frex: (runs onstage) IT'S THE UNNAMED GOD!!! GET IT RIGHT!!! (beats Boq with a stick)

Boq: Ahh!!!!!!!! (runs offstage, with Frex following)

Glinda: Umm... where was I?

Authoress: Fellow Ozians.

Ozians: Yes?

Authoress: No, I was talking to Glinda!!

Glinda: What do you want?

Authoress: It's your line!!

Glinda: Oh yeah. (Clears throat.) Fellow Ozians, let us be glad! Let us be grateful! Let us rejoicify-

Ozian #2: Rejoicify? Is that even a word?

Glinda: (stiffly) Yes.

Ozian #1: (randomly pulls out dictionary) No, it's not.

Glinda: LET ME FINISH MY SONG!!! Let us rejoicify that goodness could subdue the wicked workings of You-Know-Who!

Voldemort: What??!!

Glinda: Isn't it nice to know that good will conquer evil-

Voldemort: I'll show you!! (points wand at Glinda's bubble) Avada Kedava!!

(Green light bounces off bubble and hits Voldemort.)

Voldemort: Oh no not again! (scurries away)

Glinda: (singing ridiculously high) The truth we all believe'll by and by outlive a lie for you and-

(The glasses of wine that Ozians were holding break.)

Ozian #2: Glinda!! Why must you sing ridiculously high!! This is not a musical!!

Authoress: Umm... actually it is.

Ozain # 4: Glinda how dead is she?

Glinda: Hey!! I wasn't finished yet!

Ozian #2: But how dead is dead?

Glinda: Increda dead.

Ozian #1: Super-duper dead?

Glinda: Heck yes!!

Authoress: (under her breath) Heck no!

Glinda: What?

Authoress: (shifty eyes) Nothing...

Ozian #3: No one mourns the wicked!!

Ozian #4: (ignoring her) No one cries they won't return!

Ozians: No one lays a lily on her grave.

Authoress: Umm...she melted. So she didn't have a grave.

Ozian #2: It's a metaphor!!

English teacher: No, it's symbolism.

Ozians: ...

Glinda: Are people born wicked? Or do they have wickedness thrust upon them?

Ozian #3: It's not your line yet!!

Glinda: So? You sung when I wasn't finished!!!

Ozian #2: (in reference to Glinda's philosophical statement) What in Oz's name possessed you to say that? It sounds like something Elphaba would say.

Glinda: (sobbing) Elphie...

Ozians: ...

Glinda: Tehe?

Ozian #1: Just tell us her life story already!

Glinda: OK!!! Let's watch a random memory I managed to steal- I mean, borrow, from Melena's pensieve.

Ozian #2: What?

Harry Potter: (randomly Apparating out of nowhere) You guys have pensieves, too? Awesome!!

Ron: (also Apparating out of nowhere) Oops. Wrong place.

(They both Disapparate.)

Frex: (speaking like one speaks to a beloved pet) Bye Melena!! I love love LOVE you!!! Who's the good wife-y? Who's the good wife-y? Yes you are!!!

Melena: I'm NOT a dog!!!

Authoress: (muttering) Yeah but you're a bi-

Frex: But know that you're here in my heart (points to heart) while I'm out your (hits a ridiculously high note for a guy) sight!!

Melena: Ahh!! You just broke the wine glasses I had set out in case a traveler came by and had some "green elixir" he wanted me to drink, thus ensuing the baby that I would have nine months later would be green, causing her to be scorned by others for life, until being "killed" by a young girl from Kansas!! CURSE YOU, FREX!!!! (pushes him out the door)

Glinda: Well, that was oddly specific. (coughs) And like every family, they had their secrets, too!

Guy Who Is Actually A Younger Version Of The Wizard: (falls out of closet.) What were you thinking??!! Frex might be suspicious!!

Melena: No he won't.

Frex: (walking down road, thinking) Hmm, I wonder if Melena is going to cheat on me tonight with some traveler who'll get her drunk on "green elixir". Maybe I should go back- (spots shrine to the Kumbric Witch) Ooh!! I sense conversions!!

(Nine months later)

Midwife: The baby's coming!

Frex: I think I deduced that already.

Midwife: The baby's coming!

Frex: Umm... you said that already...

Midwife: I see a nose!

Frex: I see a curl!

Melena: How can you see the nose before the hair?? And when you saw the nose, wouldn't you see that she was gr-

Midwife & Frex: (ignoring Melena) It's a healthy perfect lovely little-

Midwife: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S FRANKENSTEIN!!!!!!!! RUN!!!!!!

Frex: Sweet Oz!!

Melena: What is it? Is the prediction I made nine months ago true??

Midwife: How can it be?

Melena: Well, you see, I just read ahead in the script.

Midwife: I meant in reference to the color of the baby, not in reference to your (correct) prediction!!

Midwife & Frex: Like a froggy ferny cabbage, the baby is unnaturally-

Ozians, Midwife, & Frex: (incredibly high) GREEN!!!

Melena: Woohoo, did I call that or what?

Frex: (looking around) Did you hear a bunch of other people when we said, "GREEN"?

Midwife: No...

Frex: Well, anyway, take it away. I can't stand to look at it, or say "her", for that matter.

Glinda: Ahh, the beginnings of a great father-daughter relationship.

Ozians: (super loud) NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED!! NOW AT LAST SHE'S DEAD AND GONE!! NOW AT LAST THERE'S JOY THROUGH OUT THE LAND!! AND GOODNESS KNOWS...

Glinda: (randomly singing really really high)

Ozians: We know what goodness is. Goodness knows the wicked die alone!

Glinda: (singing even higher, if possible) She died alone!!

Authoress: Technically, she didn't die alone. Dorothy was there. And so were you, Glinda. Are you that ditsy you can't remember where you were when your best friend died?

Glinda: Oh, right. Hey Ozians. She didn't die alone.

Ozian #4: Great. Way to ruin the whole song. Way to go.

Glinda: Heh heh... sorry.

Ozians: No one mourns the wicked!

Glinda: Good news!!!

Ozians: (really fast) No one mourns the wicked, wicked, wi-... Well, you get the point.

Glinda: OK, bye now, I really must be going!

Ozian #1: Is it true you were her friend?

Glinda: (completely clueless) Who's friend?

Ozian #1: Elphaba's.

Glinda: (shifty eyes) Noo...

Ozians: Glinda, is there a reason you (shifty eye)'d?

Glinda: Er...

(Scene changes to Shiz)

Shizians: (singing Shiz's school song). (Wow, try saying that sentence 5 time fast!)

Galinda:(getting higher with each "oh") Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh- oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-

Authoress: (holding broken glass) Galinda!!!

Galinda: Oh-oh-oh-OLD...

Shizians: Dear old Shizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

(Bees come out of nowhere)

Shizians: AHHHHHHHH!!!

(Shizians run offstage, being chased by bees.)

**

* * *

A/n: Hi there!! If you didn't notice, I revised this a little... hope you like it! **

(I'm going through and revising every chapter. There were some I wasn't really happy with, you know?)

So, please review!!

-YL 


	2. Wizaba

**A/n: OK, here's the deal. They are NOT making a Wicked movie. (I know, I want to sob, too.) I was watching interviews with Idina/Kristin and they said that they are going to wait until they need to up ticket sales. (So they'll never be a movie, because they'll never need to up ticket sales. Great. Just great. I do hope that if they do make a movie, it's the OBC. Or at least Kristin should be in it.)**

**Disclaimer: No own Wicked do I.**

**Chapter 2: Wizaba (Yes, I made that up.)**

Shizians: (Covered in bee stings, bowing down to Galinda and talking in robotic voices) Galinda, we love you. We love you. We love you.

Boq: (Not in robot voice) But I love you the most!! Galinda, I know everything about you!! Like the name of the puppy you had when you were seven!!! You named it Hedwig from some book you had read!! So that's why'd we'd be perfect together!! Marry me!!

Galinda: (Mouth open) Umm...

(Elphaba walks in.)

Galinda: Perfect!! Now I don't have to answer!! Don't you just love distractions?? They're- HOLY ST. THOMAS AQUINAS!! YOU'RE GREEN!!

Shizian: (sarcastically) No.

Galinda: She's not? (walking up to Elphaba, squinting) Aha!! She is!! I win!!! (squeals) My fashion sense is burning!! I must help you!!

Authoress: Later, Galinda!!

Galinda: Ooh, I feel a song coming on. (pauses) Whenever I see someone-

Authoress: GALINDA!!! THAT'S NOT UNTIL LATER!!! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HATE EACH OTHER NOW!!! READ YOUR SCRIPT!!!

Galinda: Oh. (pauses) What is this feeling, so sudden-

Authoress: (stuffs sock into Galinda's mouth)

Boq: Can you can the "s" in "Sock" to a "B"?

Authoress: Wha- Ew! No!

(A/n: Think about it.)

Frex: (to Nessarose) Here, honey, I made you a gift. Don't forget about me!!

Nessarose: (opens gift) Ooh, Daddy, they're b-e-a-utiful!! I just love a good pair of shoes!!!

Elphaba: What??!!

Frex: Do you like them, favorite daughter of mine? I figured shoes would be better on you than cabbage over there.

Nessarose: I know!!

Elphaba: (muttering) And the number one most useless gift in the world is...

(Madame Morrible walks in)

Madame Morrible: I am your Headmistress, Madame Morrible. BOW DOWN TO ME!!!!

Shizians: (looking at each other.)

Madame Morrible: Ahem, sorry. I randomly yell out for people to bow down to me. Now we are to pick roomates. Who wants to be stuck with Miss Elphaba?

Galinda: (raising hand) Who's Elphaba?

Madame Morrible: Perfect! Perhaps some of your bubbliness will rub off on her!!!

Galinda: What?? Oh well, as long as it's not the green girl.

Elphaba: (sneaking up behing Galinda) It is.

Galinda: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! WHY ME, KUMBRIC WITCH??!!

Frex: (holding stick in hand like a gang member)

Galinda: (hurriedly) I mean, Unnamed God!! WHY MEEEEEEEEEE??????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!

Madame Morrible: OK, everyone else just wing it for the night. Miss Nessarose, you'll be rooming with me.

Nessarose: (wheels over to Madame Morrible)

Elphaba: What?? I have to take care of her on the off chance it'll make my father proud!!

Frex: (barely contained laughter) Proud of you!! That's a good one!!

Elphaba: (makes Nessarose fly back to her)

Nessarose: Do it again!! Do it again!!

Galinda: No, it's my turn!!

Madame Morrible: Shut up, both of you!! I have to tell Miss Elphaba that she will be the one and only person accepted into my sorcery class.

(Pause. Everyone looks expectanly at Galinda.)

Authoress: Galinda!! Your script!

Galinda: What?

Authoress: YOUR SCRIPT!!! You're supposed to protest this!!

Galinda: No, I'm not.

Authoress: AHHH!! (Points out the line on Galinda's script.)

Galinda: That's not my line. It's Kristin's. What a funny name.

Authoress: (struggling to keep control) Let's just pretend that you are Kristin, OK?

Galinda: (squeals) Ooh, I love pretending!! Can I be Green Girl next?

Authoress: ...

Elphaba: Shut up!! Horrible Morrible is supposed to be singing a song about me becoming the Wizard's magic grand vizier!!

Madame Morrible: Oh Miss Elphaba, many years I have waited-

Galinda: Many MANY years.

Madame Morrible: Why, I predict the wizard could make you his magic grand vizier!

Elphaba: His magic grand vizier? You don't say?

Madame Morrible: Yep!

(Everyone except Galinda and Elphaba exits)

Authoress: (dragging Galinda away.)

Galinda: But I wanna hear the song!!!

Authoress: You'll be able to hear it backstage!!

Galinda: (pouting)

Elphaba: Did that really just happen? Have I actually understood?

Authoress: (sarcastically) No. You didn't just hear that.

Elphaba: This weird quirk I've tried to suppress or hide-

Authoress: Wouldn't it be "and", not "or"? "Or" sounds wierd. Get your conjunctions right! (sings) Conjunction junction, what's your function...

Galinda: Yeah, but a green girl sounds wierd too, but we don't try to change her!

Elphaba: Blah blah blah... When I meet the wizard, once I've proved my worth. When I meet the wizard, what I've waited (randomly hitting high note) for since-since birth.

Authoress: Oh ha-ha. Very funny.

Galinda: (pouting) I don't get it.

Authoress: You wouldn't.

Elphaba: And with all his wizard wisdom, by my looks he won't be blinded!

Galinda: No one is THAT good!!

Elphaba: Shut up and let me finish my song!!! (sings) Do you think the wizard is dumb, or like Munchkins so small mided?

Boq: PREJUDICE!! THAT'S PREJUDICE!!

Doctor Dillamond: Yes, I think the wizard is dumb, or like Munchkins so small minded.

Boq: Oh no!! My own teacher is prejudice against me!! What's next?? Will some wierd girl start stalking me next??!!

Nessarose: Tehe.

Authoress: Aren't you a Munchkinlander?

Elphaba: (Shifty eyes) Noo...

Authoress: Uh-huh.

Elphaba: Blah blah blah... Once I'm with the Wizard, my whole life will change, 'cuz once you're with the Wizard, no one thinks you're strange.

Galinda: You may be an exception.

Elphaba: No father is not proud of you,-

English Teacher: DOUBLE NEGATIVE!!! MY EARS ARE BURNING!!

Frex: What do you mean, I'm not proud of you?

Elphaba: (hopefully) You're-you're proud of me?

Frex: No!! I just never knew that you knew I wasn't proud of you!

Elphaba: Thanks, Frex.

Frex: No problemo!

Elphaba: Now, where was I?

Authoress: (in a really bad voice) No sister acts ashamed...

Elphaba: OW!! MY EARDRUMS!!!! DON'T EVER SING AGAIN!!! (coughs) No sister acts ashamed-

Nessarose: If it helps, I wouldn't be ashamed of you if you weren't green.

Elphaba: Gee, thanks. And all of Oz has to love you, when by the Wizard you're acclaimed!

Galinda: We have to LOVE you??!! I can barely stand being in the same room as you!!

Gelphie Shippers: Yes, Galinda. You DO have to love her!

Galinda: Well, OK, if I have to...

Authoress: NO GALINDA!!!

Elphaba: Blah blah blah... When we are hand-in-hand, the Wizard and I...

Galinda: Ooh... Elphaba and The Wizard sitting in a tree... K-I-S-S-I-N-G...

Elphaba: (blushing)

Galinda: So you DO like the Wizard!!

Authoress: (to Frex) She's kinda like Christmas colors when she's blushing, don't ya think?

Frex: CHRISTMAS??!!! IT'S THE UNNAMED GOD!! (tries to beat Authoress with a stick)

Authoress: (picks Frex up) Aww! The wittle Munchkins are soooooo cute!!!

Elphaba: No, I was just blushing because I'm apparently supposed to fall in love with one of the main characters. (pauses) NO, IT'S NOT GALINDA!!

Gelphie Shippers: Aww...

Elphaba: And one day, he'll say to me, "Elphaba, a girl who is so superior, souldn't a girl who's so good inside have a matching exterior?

Galinda: Superior to what? Carrots?

Elphaba: (ignoring Galinda) And since folks here to an absurd degree, seem fixated on your verdigris-

Galinda: Verdigris? What's the heck is that??!!

Boq: (randomly pulling out a dictionary) Vredigris:a bright bluish-green encrustation or patina formed on copper or brass by atmospheric oxidation.

Galinda: (silence)

Boq: What happened?

Authoress: I think we stunned her into silence.

Elphaba: Would it be all right by you if I de-greenify you?

Authoress: You're putting too much faith into a old bald guy, you know.

(Gale Force appears)

Gale Force: GET HER!!!!!

Authoress: (Runs away)

**15 Minutes Later:**

Authoress: (walks back to computer) Phew, sorry guys!

(Wicked cast is frozen)

Authoress: Oh no!! My computer froze!!

(Reboots computer)

**5 Minutes Later:**

Elphaba: Finally!! I still gotta sing about a prediction I had!! Anyway: And though of course that's not important to me-

Galinda: Don't kid yourself!

Elphaba: "All right, why not?" I'll reply. Oh, what a pair we'll be, the Wizard and I!

Galinda: Ooh, you two would make the cutest couple!!

Authoress: (shuddering) Oh that is SO wrong!!

Galinda: Why?

Authoress: Umm... umm... because she's... green?

Galinda: True. (pause) Maybe I can hook her up with a salad. Aww... how cute they'd be together!!

Authoress: ...

Elphaba: You know, this is supposed to be a SOLO!!!! So: Yes, what a pair we'll be, the Wizard and- GASP!!!

Authoress: Oh no, you broke a rib again!!

Elphaba: What??

Authoress: Er, never mind. Why were you gasping?

Elphaba: Because I just realized that my future is UNLIMITED!!! AND I just had a vision almost like a prophecy!

Dumbledore: Elphaba Thropp: 1, Professor Trelawney: 0.

Elphaba: I know it sounds truly crazy, and true, the vision's hazy, but I swear someday they'll be a celebration throughout Oz that's all to do with ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

English Teacher: And that, class, is an example of situational irony. Situational irony is when the character expects one thing to happen, but what happens is actually the opposite of what they expected.

Authoress: Get out!! (beats English teacher with stick)

Wicked Cast: (cheering)

Frex: _I'm _supposed to beat people with a stick!!

Elphaba: And I'll stand there with the Wizard, feeling things I've never felt!

Galinda: Go Elphaba!

Authoress: WILL YOU STOP SHIPPING THE WIZARD AND ELPHABA??!! THE WIZARD IS HER FATHER!!! THAT IS WRONG ON SO MANY ACCOUNTS!!!

Wicked Cast: ...

Galinda: (to Elphaba) He's your _father??!! _But what does that make Frex?

Frex: (doing little dance) I'm not her father, I'm not her father, ha ha ha ha!!

Authoress: Oh crap. (pulls out wand) _Obliverate!!_

(They forget that the Wizard is Elphaba's dad)

Elphaba: And though I'd never show it, I'd be so happy I could MELT!

Authoress: Haha.

Galinda: I _still_ don't get it!!

Elphaba: Blah blah blah... Held in such high esteem, when people see me the will scream-

Galinda: Don't they already?

Elphaba: But they'll be screaming in a good way!

Galinda: Can you tell the difference?

Elphaba: Blah blah blah... The Wizard and **I**!!!

Galinda: Why's the "I" bold?

Authoress: Because it's really really loud!!

Elphaba: **I**!!!

Authoress: Are you done yet?

Elphaba: **I**!!!!!

Authoress: Oh my...

Elphaba: **I**!!!!!!!!!!!

Authoress: Any day now...

Elphaba: **I**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (gasping for breath)

* * *

**A/n: Yay! Second Chappie!! Anyway I'm leaving tomorrow for vacation (YAY!!!!!!!!!) so I won't be able to post again 'til next Sunday. Sorry!!**

**3/08- Holy crap. I posted this before vacation? Wow. This year went fast. (gets really relective on this year and emo.)**

**Thanks for the reviews!! They really brighten my day!!**

**-Yorkie Lover**


	3. Loathing With A Passion!

**A/n: 9-07: For history, we have to do a presentation about time. I was gonna do We Didn't Start the Fire by Billy Joel, but one night I was lying in bed, singing Wicked songs to myself. (Tehe.) Anyway, I was almost asleep when it hit me- For Good! It's a song about friendship, which is about the past... I know it's a stretch, but my teacher said it was ok, so... wish me luck!! **

**3-08: Got a hundred on it!! (Though that was a long time ago, sorry.)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Wicked. Bah.**

**Chapter 3**

Galinda: Dearest Darlingest Momsie and Popsicle...

Elphaba: (sounding a lot like Galinda) I like Popsicles!

Authoress and Galinda: O.O (that's a face with big eyes, if you can't tell)

Elphaba: Ummm... No I don't?

Authoress and Galinda: (breathes sigh of relief)

Elphaba: (turns away and eats cherry Popsicle) I didn't mean that... I'll always love Popsicles... (sees grape Popsicle) MINE!!! (dives after it)

Authoress: Umm...

Elphaba: I'm back! (ahem) My dear-

Authoress: (cough-STEP-cough)

Elphaba: Grape Popsicle... I mean, Father...

Galinda and Elphaba: We've been stuck living with our mortal enemies here at Shiz!!

Elphaba: Yes, Frex, it's a "z", not a "t".

(Again, think about it...)

Elphaba: But, of course, I'll care for Nessa, for fear that if I don't, I'd incur your ever-lasting wrath.

Galinda: But, of course, I'll gossip about her at every chance I get.

Elphaba and Galinda: Cause I know that's how you'd want me to respond! There's been some confusion, for you see my roommate is...

Elphaba: A prep!! NOOOOOO!!!

Galinda: Green... and UNPOPULAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW AM I GONNA LIVE????!!!! I think I need to have a belief right about now...

(Everyone looks at Frex, who is sleeping in a chair offstage)

Galinda: I _said_, I think I NEED to have a BELIEF right about now...

Frex: (still sleeping)

Galinda: Oh, screw it.

(Galinda and Elphaba throw down letters)

Elphaba: (stomping on letter) TAKE THAT FREX!!! AND THAT!! AND THAT!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! HAHA!!! **HA!!**

Galinda: What is this feeling, so sudden and new?

Elphaba: I felt the moment I laid eyes on your hideous dyed-blonde hair.

Galinda: My pulse is rushing...

Elphaba: My head is reeling...

Galinda: Why? Are you fishing?

Elphaba: What??

Galinda: You said your head was reeling. You know, like you reel in fish?

Elphaba and Authoress: ...

Authoress: It's a saying, you idiot.

Galinda: Oh! (ahem) My _face _is _flushing!_

Elphaba and Galinda: Oh, what is this feeling? Fervid as a flame...

Elphaba: (to Galinda) Do you even know what "Fervid" means?

Galinda: Yeah!! It means... ummm... well, Fer... fer... Fur!! And then, vid... as in "video"! Fervid means a video about fur! (pause) A video about fur as a flame... Oh I get it!

Authoress, Elphaba, anyone who ever reads this: (confused)

Galinda: That's confusified.

Authoress, Elphaba, anyone who ever reads this: (confusified)

Galinda: (doing hair flip) I guess I'm just too smart... (sees bubble) OOH!! BUBBLE!! MINE!!! (runs after bubble)

Authoress: Deja Vu...

(Galinda walks back, crying)

Galinda: The bubble popped!

Elphaba: (ignoring her tears) Do you mean "fur" or "Fur"?

Galinda: There's a difference?

Elphaba: Yes! One's from animals, and the other from Animals.

Galinda: Oh, animals and Animals.

Elphaba: (breathing sigh of relief) Yes, animals and Animals.

Galinda: Yeah, Animal fur is more expensive, but I like it better cuz it's softer and all.

(Elphaba tries to beat up Galinda)

Galinda: Gak!

(Authoress pulls them apart. Hands Galinda a bubble blower and Elphaba a Popsicle)

Galinda and Elphaba: Yay!!

(Ten minutes later)

Authoress: Start the song already!!

Elphaba and Galinda: (ahem) Uh.. what is this feeling? blah blah blah...Fervid... uh... Does it have a name? Yeah-ESSSSSSSSS!!

Gelphie Shippers: (crossing fingers) Love. Love. Love.

Galinda and Elphaba: Loa-

Gelphie Shippers: YES!!! THANK YOU KUMBRIC WITCH!!

Frex: (seeing massive amounts of Gelphie Shippers) I'm not even gonna try.

Elphaba and Galinda: -thing, unadulterated loathing.

Gelphie Shippers: Goshdarnit!!

Galinda: For your ugly green face.

Elphaba: Your ridiculously high voice capacities.

Galinda: Your potato sacks, I mean, clothing.

Galinda and Elphaba: Let's just say, I loathe it all! Ev'ry-

Authoress: Aww, that reminds me of a Christmas carol...

Frex: (Chasing Authoress around) It's the Unnamed God!!!!!!!!!!!

**40 Years Later:**

Authoress: Finally, I'm back!

Elphaba: What took you so long?

Authoress: Your dad has a lot of energy in him.

Frex: (using a walker really slowly, sounding like Homer's dad from the Simpson's) I'll get you...

Elphaba: Yeah, well, no one writes Wicked fanfics anymore.

Authoress: WHAT??!! WHAT KIND OF PLACE IS THIS??!! (pulls out Time-Turner and starts to flip it) One... two... three...

**Twenty Minutes Later:**

Authoress: Fifty six...fifty seven...fifty eight...

**3 Hours Later:**

Authoress: Three hundred eighty four... three hundred eighty five... three hundred eighty six...

**After An Undetermined Amount Of Time Because I Really, Really Don't Feel Like Doing the Exact Math, But It's Safe To Say That It Was A Long Time:**

Authoress: Now that that fiasco's over...

(Shizians enter)

Shizians: Dear Galinda you are just_ too _good! How_ do_ you stand it,-

Authoress: Yet again, just because she's green doesn't mean she's an"it". She's "her". Duh-ness.

Shizians:_ I_ don't think _I _could!

Authoress: Umm... what's with the random italicized parts??

Shizians: She's a _terror_, she's a _tartar_ sauce-

Elphaba: I'm _tarter sauce??!!_

Shizians: Yeah, that's what we said... (ahem) We don't mean to _show _a bias, but _Galinda _you're a _martyr_!!!

Frex: Really? A martyr?

Shizians: Yep.

Authoress: You know, a martyr is a person who dies for his and/or her faith.

Shizians: OK, you try and find something that rhymes with Tartar!

Authoress: Barter. Garter. Smarter.

Shizians: Hmm... She's a terror, she's a tartar, we don't mean to show a bias, but Galinda you're much smarter... Hey, it could work.

Authoress: Except for the fact that it's _not true_!!!

Galinda: Well, (yet again hitting a ridiculously high note) these things are sent to try us!

(Breaks glass Elphaba is holding)

Elphaba: (Holding sharp glass, grinning) Oh Ga-lin-da... (Chases Galinda around room)

Shizians: Poor Galinda-

Galinda: Ahh!!!!

Shizians: (Just standing there,singing) forced to reside-

Galinda: (still being chased by evil maniacal Elphaba) Help me!! Help meeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Elphaba: Mwahahaha!! (evil witch crackle)

Galinda: (Stops running)

Shizians: (stop singing)

Authoress: What was _that_??!!

Elphaba: Uh, my evil witch crackle.

Authoress: You know you're not evil, right?

Elphaba: We all have to let it out sometime. Why not on my mortal enemy?

English Teacher: That's the spirit!

Shizians: Can we PLEASE finish this song? (ahem) With someone so disgustisified, we just want to tell you, we're all on your side!! We share your loathing-

Galinda and Elphaba: What is this feeling, so sudden and new?

Shizians: Unadulterated loathing.

Elphaba: I felt the moment I laid eyes on you.

Shizians: For her face, her voice, her clothing.

Galinda: (totally lost) Uhh...ummm... La la, la la, you'll be popular...

Elphaba: My pulse is rushing-

Shizians: Let's just say-

Galinda: Just not quite as popular-

Elphaba: My head is reeling-

Shizians: We loathe it all!

Elphaba: Oh what is this feeling?

Galinda: As **MEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

Shizians: Ev'ry little trait however small,

Elphaba: Does it have a name?

Shizians: Makes my flesh begin to crawl.

Shizians and Elphaba: Yea-ESSS!

(Lots of people appear randomly)

Authoress: Umm... definitely didn't write that...

Snape: (To Harry's dad) Loathing! There's a strange exhilaration...

Harry: (to Malfoy) In such total detestation!

Voldemort: (To Harry) It's so pure, so strong!

Authoress: Why are you here?

Elphaba: (really mad) MY FANFIC!! MINE!!

Authoress: Technically mine.

Elphaba: Whatever.

Frex: (to Elphaba) And though I do admit it came on fast...

English Teacher: (to Authoress) Still I do believe that it will last!

Authoress: What??!! Are you kidding me??!! SAVE ME!!!!!!

English Teacher: (to Authoress) And I will be loathing for-forever...

Ron: (to Krum) Loathing, truly deeply...

All the people who were singing above: LOATHING YOU!!!

Elphaba and Galinda: My whole life long!

Authoress: Do do do do-do-do do-do...

Elphaba: Boo!

Galinda: Ahhh!! Oh my Oz!! (starts crying) Why me, why'd she have to scare me?

Elphaba: (feeling bad)

Authoress: No! You hate her, remember?

Elphaba: Oh yeah! (Chases Galinda with broken glass again)

Authoress: Oh my... (sees Popsicle) Mmm... Cherry, my favorite! (takes Popsicle)

Elphaba: YOU STOLE MY POPSICLE!! NOW DIE!! (Beats up Authoress)

Authoress: Gak!

**

* * *

**

**A/n: Yeah, I know that was bad. I'm sorry! But I can't wait til Dancing Through Life, I have sooo much stuff planned for that chapter! And I'm sorry it took so long- I had to read my summer reading in the one week we got back from vacation. (It is not fun to read the Aeneid and the Odyssey in one week. Fortunately, I had already read the Iliad.) AND I had a six hour soccer camp everyday, so... it was tough. I won't be updating as often now, b/c it's soccer season and school had started and I get home around 6:30 on a good day. Tehe.**

**Speaking of school, guess who left? Remember Evil Teacher of Doom from my profile? Yep, she left!**

**I couldn't be happier, because happy is what happens when all your dreams come true.**

**Well, isn't it?**

**3/08- Soccer's been over, the Odyssey wasn't that bad, and it's track season now. McKent forever! **

**-Yorkie Lover**


	4. Bleatingly Badness

**A/n: I know this is quick. I finished writing this and was like, "Holy crap. I'm done?" And I read over it like 20 times to make sure I hadn't missed anything. Here it is!**

**Disclaimer: Let's play Find The Disclaimer! xxxxxxxIxxxxxxxxxdon'txxxxxxxxxxxxxownxxxxxxxxxxxxWickedxxxxxxxxxx!!!!!!!!!!!!!xxxxxxxxx **

**Chapter 4!!! (!!!)**

(Next day, in Dr. Dillamond's classroom. Everyone walks in, except for Fiyero because he hasn't transferred yet. And even if he had transferred, he wouldn't be in class anyway. So it doesn't matter if he had transferred or not. I love that word. Transferred.)

Boq: Yo yo yo, wassup Dr. D?

Elphaba, Galinda, Nessarose, Dr. Dillamond, anyone else I may have missed: (blank stare)

Boq: I've decided to become a rapper. Bow chica wow wow! (like the Axe commercial)

Nessarose: I can't believe I'm stalking _that!!_

Galinda: (staring at Boq) I think he's too... girly to be a rapper, don't ya think?

Nessarose: (winking) You don't know the half of it.

Dr. Dillamond: (sounding a lot like Dr. Cox from Scrubs) As much as I would love to spend the whole class puncturing Boq's self-confidence like pins in a beach ball, Ozian law dictates I can't do this and so I am forced to teach all of you losers. And a piece of celery, who apparently is supposed to be smart. But strangely she has written two papers, one exceptionally good and one so sucky it makes me want to cry. Miss Elphaba it is _throne, _not _thrown. _

Elphaba: Ummm... I know. And I didn't write two papers.

Dr. Dillamond: But here's where it gets interesting. Tell me, Miss Glinda-

Galinda: Yeah, I don't take out the GA sound until later, when I'm trying to win back Fiyero's attention.

Elphaba: (worried) Does it work?

Galinda: (Mad) What am I, a fortune teller?

Elphaba: (relieved) Phew.

Dr. Dillamond: Miss I-Dye-My-Hair-Blonde, I find it strange that you did not write a paper. But I happened to notice on one of Miss Elphaba's multiple papers, it was written: "This is definatlee Alfeba's paper. Don't think that Galinda wrote it, because I didn't."

Elphaba: Gee, I wonder who wrote it.

Galinda: (giggling; to Shenshen) See, I told you they wouldn't guess who it was!!

Elphaba: So you put my name on your paper in hopes that Dr. Dillamond wouldn't notice my other paper and would fail me? (sarcastically) Great plan.

Galinda: I know, isn't it? I thought of it all myself!

Elphaba, Dr. Dillamond, Nessarose, Boq, Authoress: ...

Dr. Dillamond: Let's get started before Galinda thinks too much and her brain explodes.

Galinda: That happened to one of my friends once. Her name was Shenshen.

Shenshen: Hey!

Galinda: OMG!! SHENSHEN!! YOU'RE ALIVE!!

Dr. Dillamond: OK...Well, now I'm going to flip over this blackboard now, because even though the side that is facing you right now is perfectly acceptable, I'm gonna be a risk taker and flip it over. Just on the off chance someone has written me a hate note.

Elphaba: (in awe) You _are _a risk taker!

Dr. Dillamond: I do it for you, babe.

Boq: O.O

Dr. Dillamond: (flips board over) OH MY!! WHO COULD'VE WRITTEN SUCH- Hey, wait, the prop guys didn't write the hate note.

Galinda: So, what does it matter? Just go on!

Dr. Dillamond: But without the hate note, I can't send you all out of the room, except for Miss Elphaba-

Boq and Nessarose: WHAT??!!

Dr. Dillamond: Well, actually, I dismiss the whole class, but she stays to comfort me...

Boq: ELPHABA!! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DATE A MAIN CHARACTER, BUT THIS... THIS IS JUST WRONG!!!

Elphaba: No, it's not Dr. Dillamond... I think.

Dr. Dillamond: Then I tell her that something bad is happening in Oz.

Galinda: Well, can we leave anyway?

Dr. Dillamond: Sure. (winks at Elphaba)

Elphaba: (shudders)

(Class leaves)

Dr. Dillamond: Something bad, happening in Oz.

Elphaba: Something bad, happening in Oz?

Dr. Dillamond: That's what I just said, something baaaaa... er, bad.

Elphaba: Did you just bleat at me?

Dr. Dillamond: Accidentally!

Elphaba: What's happening in Oz?

Dr. Dillamond: The wizard is taking away Animal rights!

Elphaba: ... And I care why?

Dr.Dillamond: AND he's banned all Animals from ever eating Popsicles again!

Elphaba: GASP!!!!!!!! HE HAS CROSSED THE INVISIBLE LINE!!

Dr. Dillamond: Don't worry, it's nothing all that bad, nothing truly bad, nothing (deciding to press luck again) bad bad bad bad BAAAAAA... (Dr. Dillamond's thoughts: Oh crap, not again.) Sorry, baaaaaaaaa... baaaaaaaa... AWFUL!!! TERRIBLE!! DREADFUL!! APPALLING!! SHOCKING!! GHASTLY!! HORRIFIC!! (walks away, mad)

Authoress: Walking thesaurus. Sooo last year.

Elphaba: Oh crap, it's happening here, in Oz.

Authoress: Yeppers!

* * *

**9-07: Please read, review, all that jazz. Anyway I can't wait because next chapter is Dancing Through Life!! Yay!! **

**My favorite character to write so far has been Frex. I don't know why. Galinda is my second favorite for the obvious reason that she's so easy to write.**

**3-08: I now like this chapter the best. It's (for me) up there with the first chapter, and the Popsicle one. **

**-Yorkie Lover**


	5. Dancing Through Life Part I

**Disclaimer: I dno't own Wceikd. I rlelay dno't. So qiut aisnkg.**

**Can you read it?**

**10-07: Sorry it took me soo long to update. Soccer, school... that explains it.**

**Things that have happened to me since I last updated: I played For Good in school. Defying Gravity is now my #1 song on my iPod. My crush is dating my worst enemy.**

**AND...**

**I'M GOING TO GO SEE WICKED ON BROADWAY FOR MY BIRTHDAY! Yay! Nov. 9, 2007! 27 days! (Yes, I do have a countdown calendar for this. I started it in September.)**

**3-08: Well, Wicked was canceled (the day I was supposed to see it, they went on strike. Nice timing, I know.), my crush broke up with his girlfriend (!!!), and my iPod was stolen. Grr... (On the plus side, my mom surprised me with tickets to Wicked in December. The day before. I called Katie. When I walked into Homeroom the day after, I was like, "Ms. V, guess what??!!" And she said, "You saw Wicked." I replied,"... How'd you know?" Word got around fast. **

**First track meet of the season coming up!!! Yay hurdles!! Not yay the 400 which my coach is making me run!!!**

**Chapter 5: Dancing Though Life... Part I!**

(Elphaba has just left Dr. Dillamond's room. When she comes out, there are a crowd of people standing around in a circle.)

Elphaba: What's this?

Nessarose: Boq's attempting to rap. It's not pretty.

Boq: Yo yo yo (rapping really really badly).

Elphaba: This is pathetic!

Nessarose: I know!

(Fiyero gets out of car)

Fiyero: Hello!

Galinda: GASP! IT'S THE HUNKY WINKY PRINCE WITH A SCANDALICIOUS REPUTATION!! O MY!!

(Crowd of people around Boq turn to Fiyero.)

Crowd of People: Ooh.

Boq: Yo yo yo, what's up, homey?

Fiyero: (blank stare) Don't ever do that again.

Boq: Whatev's.

Authoress: SHHH!!! THE HUNKY WINKY PRINCE WITH A SCANDALICIOUS REPUTATION IS ABOUT TO SING!! EVERYBODY QUIET!!

Elphaba: Did you steal that from High School Musical?

Authoress: Here, practice for the SAT: My sister is to HSM as I am to...

(simultaneously)

Elphaba: McKent.

Galinda: Pushing Daisies.

Fiyero: Avoiding Evil Teacher of Doom.

Boq: Trying not to speak in English.

Nessarose: Wicked.

Elphaba: You mean us... OH THAT IS SO WRONG!

Authoress: No! I don't like you in that way! Except maybe Fiyero!

Fiyero: Umm... can I sing now?

Authoress: Continue.

Fiyero: The trouble with schools is, they always try to teach the wrong lesson.

Authoress: Do de do.

Fiyero: Believe me, I've been kicked out of enough of them to know...

Elphaba: Wait a minute... how did you get into Shiz if you've been kicked out of so many schools? I thought Shiz was really hard to get in to.

Fiyero: Well, you see, I just sauntered right up to the admissions officer, flashed my award winning smile-

Elphaba: (snorts)

Authoress: Shut up, Green Popsicle Girl. The Hunky Winky Prince With A Scandalicious Reputation is speaking!

Fiyero: ... And said that I was supposed to fall in love with a main character.

Galinda and Authoress: GASP! I'M A MAIN CHARACTER!

Boq: Uh, I think they mean in the musical, not in this fan fic.

Authoress: (Sighs)

Fiyero: (to Galinda) You're perfect.

Galinda: (to Fiyero) You're perfect.

Fiyero and Galinda: So we're perfect together!

Authoress: That line's later, dimwits.

Fiyero: Stop studying strife... and learn to live the unexamined life!

History Teachers: Hey!

Fiyero: Dancing through life, skimming the surface... yada yada yada.

Authoress: Isn't that from Seinfeld?

Fiyero: (shifty eyes) No...

Galinda: (dreamily) Pink.

Elphaba: ...?

Fiyero: So! Where's the most swankified place in town?

Galinda: That would be-

Authoress: My school!

Fiyero: SOUNDS PER- what??!!

Authoress: Oh yeah, you're gonna come to my school... TOP THAT TOM!!!

Fiyero: Ahem, no I'm not. See, it doesn't work: Let's go down to the Authoress's school, we'll meet there tomorrow morning. We can work 'til it lights, find the prettiest girl, give her a whirl!

Authoress: Actually, you'd get in trouble for that. We're not supposed to hug.

Fiyero: Wow, you suck.

Authoress: No, not me. It's my school. Which sounds like Oz. No joke.

Elphaba: Did we have to know that random bit of information?

Authoress: YES! It tells you that I'm fated to love Wicked cuz I can parallel my life to it almost perfectly!! FATE, ELPHABA. FATE!!!

Fiyero: Can we stop ranting about stuff I don't know now?

Authoress: Sure, Hunky Winky Prince With A Scandalicious Reputation.

Fiyero: Actually, it's Fiyero.

Elphaba: (sighs and shakes head.) Idiot.

Fiyero: (mad) I just said it was Fiyero!

Authoress and Elphaba: ...

Galinda: (to Fiyero) I know how it feels. People call me "Ditz" all the time. I tell them, "It's not ditz. it's Galinda. With a GA".

Boq: (stuttering wildly) M-m-miss Galinda? I-I hope y-you'll save at l-least one d-dance for me. I'll be right there in the corner, waiting all night. Watching your every move. (Brightens) And videotaping you! So I can watch you over... and over... and over... and over...

Galinda: Oh, how freaky! But you know what would be even kinder? Inviting the "Tragically Beautiful" girl to the dance.

Boq: The green one??!!

Galinda: No, she's beautifully tragic. The tragically beautiful one.

Boq: I'm not seeing her.

Galinda: The one in the chair.

Boq: (pause) Still not seeing her.

Authoress: (Draws red arrow above Nessarose)

Boq: There she is! I'll invite her for you, my damsel in distress!

Galinda: Oh Biq, really?

Boq: It's Boq. I'm not a pen.

Authoress: (Seeing opportunity, grabs Galinda's script and writes something.)

Galinda: (Doesn't notice Authoress writing all over her script.) But are you a lighter? 'Cuz you turn me on.

Boq: (Gasps and faints)

Authoress: Get it? Biq is a type of lighter? ...Oh never mind.

Galinda: You would do that for me?

Boq: (magically awakening.) I would do _anything_ for you, Miss Galinda. (Thinking dirty thoughts.)

Galinda: Shoo. Go ask her to the dance now.

Boq: Okay! (Skips away)

Fiyero: Nice.

Galinda: (completely clueless) What?

Fiyero: Getting rid of that...annoying fly.

Galinda: (really confusified now) There wasn't a fly here!

Fiyero: BOQ!

Galinda: (Can almost see part of her brain leaking out through her ears.) Boq?

Authoress: Biq.

Galinda: Oh, Biq! I didn't get rid of him, he chose to leave himself. But... I AM free tonight. Hint, hint.

Fiyero: You didn't have to say hint, hint. I know a hint when I see it.

Galinda: Soo...

Fiyero: So I'll be-

Authoress: Ending the chapter now, because if I don't, it'll be really long? Plus, I want Galinda to suffer in anticipation for a few days.

Galinda: What??!!

Authoress: Tehe.

Galinda: GRR... I'M SO MAD, I COULD... USE BIG WORDS!

Authoress: Uh-huh.

Galinda: The temptation to maim you right now is incredibly strong, but I'll have to exercise my will power to fight the desire.

Wicked Cast and Authoress: Wow.

Elphaba: (to Galinda) Now the world's going to end. Cause you had to use big words. Way to go. Way to go.

* * *

**A/n: 10-07:Did you like it?? Review, please... lalala you know the drill.**

**Want to hear something funny? This year, I would've been in Evil Teacher of Doom's homeroom and had her 4/5 if she hadn't left. And on Day 6's I would have had her pd. 7 too! Ugh that would've sucked! When I walked in on the first day of school and saw my homeroom, I thought, "Oh. Crap." Then I saw that she'd left! But fortunately, the new English teacher's pretty cool. And here's the weird part... we have the same b-day! Isn't that weird?**

**Fate, fate, it controls our lives...**

**3-08: I am sooo happy ETOD left and Ms. V came!! This year has been AWESOME!!!!!!! (I get nervous thinking that I may not have her next year...) It's an impostor black cat!**

**-Yorkie Lover**


	6. Dancing Through Life Part II

**Disclaimer: .dekciW nwo t'nod I**

**Chapter 6: Dancing Through Life... Part II!!**

(As we come into this scene, everyone is cowering in fear, as the world is about to end soon.)

(All at the same time:)

Nessarose: (to Boq) I love you!

Boq: (to Galinda) I love you!

Galinda: (to Fiyero) I love you!

Fiyero: (To Elphaba) I love you!

Elphaba: (to the hat Galinda will later give to her) I love you!

Authoress: You can't love a ha- HOLY OZ!! IT'S ZEUS!

Galinda: Isn't it zoos?

Elphaba: (getting mad) Is that the place where they keep animal and Animals in cages??!! You dare mention this around me??!!

Zeus: (wearing cape) Yeah, unless Galinda becomes stupid again, I'm gonna have to kill you all.

Galinda: I am not stupid!

(Everyone holds breath)

Galinda: I'm Galinda! With a GA! And I'm not ditz, either!

Zeus: Drat, I can't kill you all. (Walks away, but cape gets caught on something or another.)

Elphaba: Frex?

Zeus: (aka Frex) No. It's Zeus.

Elphaba: Uh-huh.

Authoress: Well, this is really familiar to the Wizard of Oz!

Elphaba: Shoo, Frex.

Frex: (shoos)

Fiyero: Can I ask Galinda to the dance now?

Elphaba: Why can't he ask me? The smart one?

Authoress: You're supposed to think he's an idiot now. You'll like him later.

Elphaba: Is it a problem that I like him now?

Authoress: Ummm... (throws Grape Popsicle in opposite direction of Fiyero) Fetch!

Elphaba: I am not a dog! I will NOT fetch the pop... (Losing willpower) I mean, there are perfectly good other Popsicles... (in a whisper) Do you have any more?

Authoress: Nope. That was the last one.

(dramatic pause)

Authoress: In the world.

Elphaba: WHAT?!!! THE LAST GRAPE POPSICLE!! I'M COMING, GRAPEY-WAPEY! (runs off to, er... "Grapey-Wapey")

Fiyero: Ooh, she's hot.

Galinda: But you're supposed to fall in love with me!

Fiyero: Umm, right. Crap that sucks. BUT THE SHOW MUST GO ON!!

Authoress, Boq, Elphaba, and Nessarose: (Blank stares)

Galinda: (Usual blank stare)

Fiyero: Er... So I'll be picking you up around... 8?

Galinda: Yay!

Fiyero and Galinda: It's clear we deserve each other!

Galinda: I'm perfect!

Fiyero: You're per- Hey!

Galinda: (hurt) I'm not hay!

Elphaba: ...

Nessarose: Oh Elphaba, isn't it wonderful?

The Wizard: Wonderful... they called me wonderful...

Authoress: LATER!

Elphaba: Yeah, you id- (notices Wizard) HOLY OZ! IT'S THE WIZARD!! DID YOU HEAR THE SONG I SUNG ABOUT YOU A FEW CHAPTERS AGO??

The Wizard: No...

Elphaba: Ooh! I'll sing it again, then! (sings) For half of Oz's favorite team, the Wizard...

Authoress, Fiyero, Galinda, Boq, and Nessarose: (putting in earplugs)

The Wizard: Why are you doing that?

Authoress: You'll see.

Elphaba: (belting) And **I**!!

The Wizard: Why is the "I" in bold?

Authoress: We explained this already! Because it's really long and loud!

Elphaba: _**I**_!!!!

The Wizard: Couldn't the "I" have been really, really big- like a 72 font?

Authoress: ARE YOU MAD, MAN?? THIS IS NOT MICROSOFT WORD!! WE DO NOT HAVE "FONT SIZES" HERE!!

Elphaba: **I**!!!!!!!!!!!

The Wizard: Oh.

Authoress: Give it about two more minutes.

(2 minutes later)

Elphaba: **I**!!!!!!! (finishes song)

The Wizard: (deaf)

Galinda: Dearest Darlingest Momsie-

Authoress: Didn't we do this already?

Galinda: Well, I'm supposed to sing that after Green Girl goes, "I" for a really long time.

Elphaba: My dear Father.

Authoress: STOP!! FLIP AHEAD A FEW PAGES IN THE SCRIPT!! WE'RE ON DANCING THROUGH LIFE!!

Elphaba: Oh.

Nessarose: LET ME SING!! IT'S MY BIG PART!!! Finally for this one night, I'm about to have a fun night...

Elphaba: WHAT??!!

Nessarose: (ignoring Elphaba) Thanks to Galinda!! I wish I could repay her, Elphie...

Elphaba: (muttering) That idiot Galinda.

Nessarose: I SAID, "I WISH I could REPAY her, Elphie!!"

Elphaba: I wish I could sock her one right in the jaw, but we all don't get always get what we want, now do we?

Nessarose: (glares at Elphaba)

Elphaba: Oh, fine.

**Galinda's Room (and also** **Elphaba's)**

Pfannee: Galinda, you look awesome.

Shenshen: Umm, she looks like a pink flamingo.

Pfannee: Right. Who doesn't like pink flamingos?

Galinda: I _do_ look awesome!!

Shenshen: Let's look in you closet for some accessor- AHHH!!

Pfannee: Sweet Oz!

Galinda: What is it? What's wrong?

Shenshen : How can it be?

Pfannee: What does it mean?

Shenshen: It's atrocious!

Pfannee: It's obscene!

Shenshen and Pfannee: Like a icky Goth girl's clothing, the hat we hold is unnaturally BLACK!!!

(A/n: Just to let you know, I have nothing against Goth girls. I just think that Galinda and Co., whose favorite color is pink, wouldn't like Goths lol.)

Galinda: Take it away. Take it AWAY!!!

Authoress: So you see, it couldn't have been easy-

Elphaba: Please, enough of the "No One Mourns the Wicked"!

Galinda: (takes hat) Ow! My hand burns...

Shenshen: We should give it to someone to wear.

Galinda: I don't hate anyone THAT much!

Pfannee: Yes you do.

Galinda: No I don't!

Shenshen: ELPHABA!!

Galinda: There's no Elphaba in here. Or in this musical.

Shenshen: Green girl.

Galinda: What about her? (pauses) I just had a great idea!! I should give this hat to her!

(Shenshen and Pfannee nod and walk away, muttering something about "Blonde Idiots".)

(Elphaba walks in)

Elphaba: Galinda, Nessa was just talking about how awesome you are, and I was telling her that you weren't- anyway, (grits teeth) she-wants-me-to-tell-you-how-

Galinda: (interrupting Elphaba) And Pfannee, Shenshen, and I were just gossiping about you! I thought you might want to wear this HAT to the PARTY tonight!

Elphaba: That looks like something I'd wear at Halloween.

Galinda: It's really, uh, pointy, don't you think?

Elphaba: (jabs hat at Galinda)

Galinda: OW! Umm... you know black is this year's pink!

Elphaba: So, when I'm talking about pink, I should say black instead?

Galinda: Uh, sure! You deserve each other, this hat and you, you're both so... smart!! So here, out of the goodness of my heart...

Elphaba: This is a trick. I know it.

Galinda: (Shifty eyes) No... Got to go fix my hair! Bye!

Elphaba: (confused) But the party isn't until 5 hours for now!

Galinda: OH CRAP!! I'M BEHIND SCHEDULE!! (runs off)

Elphaba: I guess I'm going to the party tonight... wearing this weird hat.

* * *

**A/n: 10-07: Haha this is getting really long, so I broke it up again... Tehe don't hate me! It's either get shorter chapters more often or one big chapter about once before Christmas!! (Sadly, that wouldn't be an exaggeration...)**

**Please review!! Please!!**

**-YL**

**PS- 20 days 'til Wicked!!! Nov 9th!!!**

**3-08: As you know, Wicked was canceled. Just forewarning you about the upcoming Author's notes.**


	7. Dancing Through Life Part III

**Disclaimer: I don't own:**

**-Wicked  
-Pushing Daisies  
-Kristin Chenoweth  
-Idina Menzel  
-Any other person I may have mentioned in here**

**Chapter 7: Dancing Through Life, Part 3!!**

(cue Dancing Through Life music)

Fiyero and Galinda: (dancing together)

Elphaba: (walks in, wearing hat Galinda just gave her)

People at Dance: (pauses) ... ?

Elphaba: (thinking: Wow, I'm soo hot... look at The Hunky Winkie Prince With A Scandalicious Reputation stare at me... oh yeah!!)

Galinda: OH MY OZ, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?? MY EYES BURN!! (scarred for life)

Elphaba: (starts to dance awkwardly)

Fiyero: Well, I'll you one thing. She doesn't care what other people think about her.

Galinda: (still scarred from Elphaba's outfit.)

Fiyero: I SAID, she doesn't CARE what other people THINK about her!!

Galinda: (muttering, "Oh my Oz that was horrible!")

Authoress: (walks away, and comes back with someone.)

Elphaba: Who's that?

Authoress: This is Kristin Chenoweth. It's easier to use her than the actual Galinda.

Galinda: (sees Kristin) OMO!! It's my long-lost twin!! (runs up to Kristin and gets really really close)

Kristin: Ummm... What the crap... I need to go work on stealing the Pie-Maker's Heart!

Galinda: (randomly remembering lines) No, she does care. She just acts like she doesn't.

Kristin: Well, since she remembered her lines, I'm outta here before some other fangirl-

Zarrian: OMO!! IT'S KRISTIN CHENOWETH!! DID YOU SEE THE FAN FICTION I WROTE ABOUT YOU AND IDINA AND THE REST OF THE OBC WICKED CAST??

Kristin: Crap.

Zarrian: GET OVER HERE, FANGIRLS!! (puts up fangirl signal, which is similar to the bat signal, only instead of a bat there's Elphaba's hat.) (Wow that rhymed!)

Kristin: (runs away)

Fangirls: (runs after Kristin)

Authoress: Are you kidding me??

All of the people above: (walking back, sadly.)

Authoress: What happened?

Zarrian: (in shock) She... she...

Authoress: What??

My Friends Call Me Elphie: (in a whisper) She threatened to take all the rum!

Authoress: Oh...?

Zarrian: You know, in Pirates? Johnny says, "But where'd all the rum go?"? SHE THREATENED TO TAKE ALL THE RUM!!

Authoress: Well, I can see where this is going, so... (dramatic pause) LOOK!! IDINA MENZEL!!

Fangirls: GASP!! (runs after Idina)

Idina: (defies gravity)

Zarrian: OH COME ON!! THAT'S NOT FAIR, IDINA!!

Idina: So if you care to find me, look to the... farthest place from here!!

Authoress: Umm... Galinda, START DANCING WITH ELPHABA!!

Galinda: (starts dancing with Elphaba)

Elphaba: What the...

Cast of Wicked: ...?

World: ...?

Galinda: Yay! I can dance!

Cast of Wicked: (Still wondering what that little performance of Galinda dancing was)

Authoress: You all like Elphaba now, OK?

Cast of Wicked: OK!! (Happy dancing)

Boq: Listen, Nessa?

Nessarose: Don't you DARE say you invited me here because Galinda said that if you did, you'd be her hero.

Boq: (shifty eyes) No... It's because... because... because...

Galinda: (whispering) Because you are so beautiful!

Boq: I _am_??

Galinda: No, that's you're line.

Boq: (disappointed) Oh. But that's not true.

Nessarose: OH BOQ!! YOU'RE WONDERFUL!! WE DESERVE EACH OTHER, DON'T YOU SEE??

Boq: (thinking, "Oh crap, how do I get out of this one?") Umm... Let's dance!!

Nessarose: You idiot, I can't even walk!

Boq: LET'S DANCE!! (wheels Nessarose around)

Nessarose: Ah, you meant wheel me around dangerously. That works!

Cast of Wicked:-ING THROUGH LIFE, DOWN AT THE OZDUST, IF ONLY IF OZDUST IS WHAT WE COME TO!!

Boq: TOOOOOO!!

Cast of Wicked: AND THE STRANGE THING, YOUR LIFE COULD END UP CHANGING WHILE YOU'RE DANCING... THROUGH... (music stops playing)

Boq: LIFE!!

(pause)

Elphaba: It's supposed to end on "Dancing through". There is no "Life" part at the end.

Boq: But you're not supposed to end a sentence on a preposition!! Plus, it makes more sense!!

Elphaba: (giggles) You sounded stupid!!

Authoress: Did Elphaba just _giggle??_

Galinda: (squeals) YAY!! My song really did work!!

Authoress: What song?

Galinda: The "la-la-la-la" song.

Authoress: No, you don't sing your song until next chapter!

Galinda: Oh. Oopsies...

Cast of Wicked: (dances until wee hours of the morning)

* * *

**A/n: 10-07: Hey, if I used your name in here, and you don't want me to, tell me and I'll change it. I just picked My Friends Call Me Elphie... Zarrian, this is my birthday present to you!! (My birthday's coming up... hint, hint). Yeah, Popular's next... sorry about splitting DTL up!!**

**You wanna know something? SOMEONE STOLE MY iPOD!! I know it was stolen because they took some money. I'm really mad. How am I gonna listen to Wicked on the way to Wicked??**

**3-08: Now my wallet's stolen. The ironic part? I go to a Catholic school. And there's a stealing spree going on right now. Figure that one out.**

**-YL**


	8. I'm Gonna Make You Popular!

**Disclaimer: Wicked is what I don't own.**

**Chapter 8: I'm Gonna Make You Pop-u-lar!**

(Elphaba and Galinda are talking. I mean, Galinda is talking. Elphaba is thinking of creative ways to kill herself.)

Galinda: Then he was like, Oh my Oz. And I was like, O my Oz. Then he was like, Yeah, I don't like you anymore. And I was like, What the Oz do you mean? Who is it?

Elphaba: (muttering) There's always shooting myself... but that's _so _unoriginal. Jumping off a building would be fun, but the wait until the bottom would be unbearable...

Galinda: And he was like, How did you know there was someone else? And I was like, I know these things.

Elphaba: Then there's the always-plausible stabbing yourself.

Galinda: Then he was like, OK, OK, fine. Her name's Kalia, and she's really smart. And I was like, Smart?? So?? Is she pretty?

Elphaba: Or my personal favorite, drowning yourself.

Authoress: Bonus points: _Why is it significant that Elphaba's favorite way to kill herself is by drowning? What does this have to do with her aversion to water? Is this an example of irony? Why or why not? Refer to the text and cite examples._

Elphaba: What's with the Socratic Seminar?

Authoress: (shuddering)

Boq: (randomly appearing) Socratic Seminar?

Authoress: It's a discussion, where you're graded on how much you participate.

Boq: (pause) It sounds bad.

Authoress: Oh. It is.

Galinda: The he called me something like, "Ballow snitch," but I don't remember the exact wording.

Elphaba: Screw this. Goodbye.

Galinda: Oh, Miss Elphie- is it OK if I call you Elphie?

Elphaba: Haha NO.

Galinda: Elphie, now that we're friends, I've decided to make you my new project.

Elphaba: What did I ever do to deserve this??

Galinda: I know. That's what makes me so nice.

Kristin: Popular, I'm glad you're so pop-u-lar. You've been on more TV shows and you're modeled clothes some would even call obscene.

Authoress: What?

Elphaba: Forbidden Broadway. It amuses me.

Idina: You're the star who wrote the "I'm Loved and I'm Famous" book.

Authoress: _KRISTIN CHENOWETH WROTE A BOOK?? HOLY SHIZ!! _(runs to store, but walks back, unable to find it.) Kristin... I failed you...

Elphaba: Yeah, the Forbidden Broadway's gotta stop.

Idina: YES!! I AM THE STAR!!

(Forbidden Broadway cast wheeled away)

Kristin: Idina, listen to me. We can still be friends, just say you're sorry. And hand over the Tony to me.

Authoress: (muttering) She should've won... I mean, who else can hit those ridiculously high notes in "No One Mourns The Wicked"?

Cheno Fangirls: YES!!

Idina Fangirls: NOO!!

(Cheno Fangirls and Idina Fangirls get into a huge FIGHT, where many people shout OBSCENITIES at others. Eventually the fight DIES DOWN, with only KRISTIN and IDINA left STANDING.)

Kristin and Idina: (WALKING AWAY as if nothing HAPPENED)

Galinda: My tender heart tends to start to bleed!

Emo Kids: Go Galinda! (sees massive amounts of pink Galinda is wearing) Never mind.

Galinda: Umm... follow my lead... and yes indeed... you... will... beeee... POP-U-LAR!!

Elphaba: (fake cheer) Give me an "N"!

Galinda: N!!

Elphaba: Give me an "O"!

Galinda: O!!

Elphaba: What's that spell?

Galinda: Umm... uh.. nnnn-ohhhh...

Elphaba: (fake cheer gone) NO.

Galinda: (ignoring Elphaba) I'll teach you the proper ploys when you talk to boys, little ways to flirt and flounce!

Elphaba: I'd rather have an intellectual discussion in where we talk about the history and importance of Animals in Oz.

Galinda: (pause) And that's why you don't have a boyfriend! (sings) I'll show you what shoes to wear, how to fix your hair, everything that really counts to be popular...

Elphaba: You do realize that no matter how well I exceed at those things, I'll never be popular. There's probably a rule in the Prep Handbook: _"Any girl who is exceedingly smart and/or green shall never be popular, no matter how cool they act."_

Galinda: (Pulls out handbook) Silly girl!! They don't use the phrase "and/or" in here! There's something about the smartness in here... Oh look!! If you're smart, but still like cool stuff, then you have a chance to be popular!! Not the most popular in the school, but still, it's a start!!

Elphaba: What's it say about the green?

Galinda: (Flipping through book) Ummm... ahh...

Elphaba: (grinning smugly) Gotcha.

Galinda: Here it is!! _"Anyone who is green cannot be popular." _Oh, don't worry, I have an idea to get rid of your greenness!!

Elphaba: Uh-oh.

Galinda: An it involves the beach!! Yay!!

**At the OzSand Beach:**

(Yes, I know Oz is surrounded by the Thousand Year Grassland or a desert, depending on what you read. Humor me.)

Elphaba: (slathering on SPF 75 sunscreen)

Galinda: No silly! You gotta get tan, OK? Use SPF 15! And then your greenness will go away!! You'll be... normalified! (giggles at invention of new word)

Authoress: (muttering) I don't see how baking the broccoli will help things...

Elphaba: (slips sunscreen into shirt) Whatever Galinda... I have to go to the bathroom...

Galinda: Your belly's pointy!

Elphaba: (Shifty eyes) That's because I really have to go! (Goes to bathroom and puts on sunscreen. Goes out to beach.)

Galinda: Let's go swimming!

Elphaba: IDIOT! DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT I'M ALLERGIC TO WATER??

Galinda: Oh yeah. Oops.

Elphaba: "Oops??" While I'm melting, you'll be sitting there, saying to yourself, "Oh yeah. Oops"??

Galinda: I would've remembered... sometime...

Elphaba: WHEN I STARTED TO MELT YOU WOULD'VE REMEMBERED!!

Galinda: So?

Elphaba: YOU LITTLE BI-

Galinda: Oh wait! I would've pressed my "That was easy" button!

Elphaba: ...

**2 Days Later:**

Galinda: Elphie, have you've been tanning?

Elphaba: (shifty eyes) Yes...

**Next Day:**

Galinda: You know, stop putting any sunscreen on at all.

Elphaba: But I'll burn.

Galinda: You'll _tan._

**2 Hours Later:**

Galinda: (dragging Elphaba) Come _on, _let's go!

Elphaba: Noo... need sunscreen...

Galinda: Get OUT here!

Elphaba: (socks Galinda in the jaw!)

Galinda: (slaps Elphaba right back!)

Elphaba and Galinda: (breaking out into an all-out cat-fight!)

Fiyero: I'm likin' this!

**Back at Shiz:**

Galinda: You would've gotten tan, Elphie, if you wouldn't have shut yourself up in your beach house the whole time!!

Elphaba: No I wouldn't have!

Galinda: Grr...

Elphaba: GRR...

Galinda: **GRR...**

Elphaba: **G-**

Authoress: Enough!! Galinda, make her over.

Galinda: (Makes Elphaba over) Oh Miss Elphaba, look at you. You're beautiful...

Gelphie Shippers: (ears perking up)

Elphaba: Umm... well... this is awkward... got to go... (mutters) Before you try to make out with me or something...

Gelphie Shippers: (Laugh, then become sad because Elphaba left)

Galinda: You're welcome!! Something something something CLANDESTINELY!!

Authoress: Is that even a word?

Galinda: It is now!! Something something something.. LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA-

Authoress: Four la's, idiot.

Galinda: It's _Galinda!! _With a _Ga!! _I don't even know how you got idiot out of that!! Anyway, I like la's!!

Authoress: Sing "Deck The Halls", then.

Galinda: I'm in that movie!!

Authoress: You mean, your alter ego is in that movie.

Galinda: (confusified) I have an alter Eggo? YAY!! Leggo my Eggo! You'll be popular... just... not... quite...as...

Elphaba: Do we really need the dot dot dot after every word?

Galinda: It builds suspense!! Popular...as... ... ... ... ... ...

Elphaba: Dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot? Come on, now, let's not get carried away.

Galinda: (sounding like Elphaba in the Wizard and I) **MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!**

Elphaba: Wow. My eardrums just died.

Authoress: OFF STAGE!! SCENE CHANGE!! STAT!!

(Wicked cast SPRINTS off stage, but Galinda and Elphaba RAM into each other. Elphaba CURSES Galinda, and she starts CRYING. Elphaba feels HORRIBLE and BEGS for Galinda's forgiveness. They go OFF and live HAPPILY ever after.)

Gelphie Shippers: (In heaven)

Elphaba: That's not what happened, idiot.

Authoress: I needed some excitement.

Elphaba: Tell the truth or I'll... I'll... I'LL GET YOU MY PRETTY!! (Having Wicked Witch of the West moment.)

(Er... Elphaba and Galinda RAM into each other, and Elphaba CURSES Galinda. Galinda starts to vow NEVER to become Elphaba's friend, SCREW the script, LA LA LA. Elphaba LAUGHS and says she'd HOOK UP with an idiot like Fiyero before she became FRIENDS with Galinda. They STORM off stage, WONDERING where their ICED TEAS are.)

* * *

**12-07: Sorry 'bout my Pushing Daisies rant... You really don't have to write NedOlive fics. Heh heh.**

**But if you like NedChuck (Ched? Nuck? Isn't that what the Three Stooges say when they laugh? "Nuck nuck nuck!") that's OK too!!**

**Happy Holidays!!**

**3-08: I'm going through Pushing Daisies withdrawl...**

**-Yorkie Lover**


	9. No More Dr D

**Disclaimer: I wish I owned Wicked. But... I DON'T!! (dun dun DUNNN!!)**

**Chapter 9: No More Dr. D!!**

(Elphaba walks onstage)

Elphaba: Apparently, I have to be (shudders) friends with that... that... THAT FAKE-TAN BLEACH-BLONDE FAKEY FAKER OF FAKERNESS!!

Authoress: What??

Galinda: (running onstage) Hey!! At least I'm not a VEGETABLE!!

Elphaba: (moving closer to Galinda) Bring it.

Galinda: (seriously) Oh. I will.

(They DIVE at each other, but miss HORRIBLY.)

Galinda and Elphaba: Ow.

(Authoress hurriedly puts a POPSICLE in Galinda's hair and a PINK FLOWER in Elphaba's hair.)

Elphaba: (eying Popsicle greedily) I don't hate you anymore!

Galinda: Me too! (fishes around for her script) Hey! We can finish the scene now!!

Elphaba: Ok, I'm going to class now... do you have any special thing you want me to wear?

Galinda: Oh, yeah! (Hands Elphaba a dress and a pink flower.)

(Elphaba changes.)

Galinda: Oh, Miss Elphaba, look at you. You're beautiful.

Elphaba: You said that last chapter... OH OZ YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ME!

Galinda: (confusified) What-

Geplhie Shippers: YES!!

Galinda: No, I'm just stating a fact. Anyway, go to class so you can flirt with Fiyero and then disappear off into the rainy night with him then sing a song then go to the Emerald City with me then defy gravity then-

Elphaba: Well, that was oddly specific.

Galinda: (wink, wink)

Elphaba: Why are you winking at me??

(Elphaba runs to class. She sees Fiyero. Fiyero doesn't notice her.)

Elphaba: Toss, toss. Toss, toss. (pause) TOSS, TOSS.

(Fiyero finally notices her.)

Fiyero: Hey, you're hot! But green. But hot! But green. But-

Galinda: I'm here now!! You can start el clase now!!

Dr. Dillamond: "El clase"?? When did you learn another language??

Elphaba: (sits down by Fiyero)

Fiyero: Oh crap!! I forgot my line!! Now we gotta restart... places!

(Scene RESTARTS. Elphaba walks in and does the HAIR TOSS.)

Fiyero: You've been Galindafied.

Elphaba: Yep.

Fiyero: You didn't have to do that, you know. (pause) (pause) (pause) I NAILED IT!!

Elphaba: You just ruined the whole scene. Way to go. Way to go.

Authoress: Well, let's keep going anyway.

(Dr. Dillamond comes in, and Elphaba and Fiyero have a seat next to EACH OTHER.)

Elphaba and Fiyero's Thoughts: What luck!

Dr. Dillamond: Um, yeah. This is my last day here, so... does anyone want to say anything?

Elphaba's Thoughts: God, Fiyero's hot with a capital "H"!

Dr. Dillamond: Elphaba, how about you saying something?

Elphaba: Huh?

Dr. Dillamond: I'm leaving today. Remember?

Elphaba: (suddenly angry) They can't do that!

Madame Morrible: (walking in) Oh yes, we can!! Come on, Dr. D!

Elphaba: "Dr. D"?? WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU??

Dr. Dillamond: (being dragged off) Remember class, you're not being told the whole truth... dun dun DUNNN!!

(Two Ozian officials WALK IN.)

Ozian Official #1: Look, here's a lion cub.

Class: Ooh.

Ozian Official #2: And he's kept in a cage,so he'll never learn how to speak.

Class: Ahh.

Elphaba: You mean that's a Lion Cub in there??

Ozian Official #2: Soon-to-be lion cub, but yeah, you're right. We're gonna put all Animals in cages, so they'll never learn how to speak. Isn't it great??

Class: Heck yes!!

Elphaba: Heck no!! Can you imagine a world where Animals don't speak and are kept in cages??

Authoress: (shifty eyes) Noo...

Elphaba: Somebody's got to... (dramatic pause) DO SOMETHING!!

(Everyone freezes, except for Elphaba and Fiyero.)

Fiyero: Hey. We're alone. Sort of.

Elphaba: I know. This is just like my dreams... hmmm...

(Elphaba and Fiyero move closer together.)

Authoress: NO!! Wait until the second act, at least!!

Elphaba and Fiyero: Fine.

Elphaba: (grabs the cub's cage) Let's go.

Fiyero: Go where?

Elphaba: To under a bridge, so I can sing about how much I want you.

Fiyero: Can I... join you?

Authoress: (sighing) No!

Elphaba: But you can come while I free this lion!

Fiyero: OK!!

(They run off stage so the stage crew can put up the LION CUB SCENE SET)

* * *

**A/n: 2-08: Sorry if that's not really funny. Thesis papers really eat your sense o' humor. Ugh. But it's a new chapter!! Yay!!**

**Sadly, I realized I write the most when I should be doing papers. :-)**

**4-08: I feel no need to add any special author's note this chapter. (Grins.) I blame bell hooks. **

**-YL**


	10. Lion Cub Scene

**Disclaimer: I don't own Wicked.**

**Chapter 10: Lion Cub Scene**

(At the Lion Cub Scene set.)

Elphaba: (lets Lion go)

Fiyero: What the Oz was _that?? _

Elphaba: (sarcastic) Well, you see, right there's a latch, and you have to do is pull it and- _bang- _the cage opens!! Incredible, isn't it?

Authoress: (holding up a sign that says "Sarcast-o-meter")

Elphaba: Huh?

Authoress: On a scale from 1 to 10, how sarcastic were you just being?

Elphaba: Ten.

Authoress: That's what I thought.

Fiyero: I meant the part where everyone freezes.

Elphaba: I dunno.

Fiyero: And why didn't I freeze.

Elphaba: I'm gonna guess that's because I have secret crush on you, but hey, what do I know?

Fiyero: A secret crush? Hmm... (moves closer to Elphaba)

Elphaba: (getting closer to Fiyero)

Authoress: (jealous) Fiyero, you know you're still dating Galinda.

Fiyero: (swearing) Gilgamesh!

Authoress: So off you two go.. did you just use Gilgamesh as a swear word??

Fiyero: Yep.

Authoress: Siddhartha you!!

Elphaba: OK, now, let's stop using ancient epic heroes as swear words now...

Authoress: Whatever. (storms off stage, leaving Fiyero and Elphaba alone.)

Fiyero: (reading above line) "Leaving Fiyero and Elphaba alone"... (happily) Hey!!

Elphaba: W00t!!

(A/n: Random fact- the Word Of The Year is w00t. So I had to get it in there somewhere...)

Fiyero: (reaching in to touch Elphaba and gets shocked) What in tarnation?? ... O my!! The gods are punishing me for attempting to cheat on Galinda!! (runs away)

Elphaba: Hands touch... eyes meet...

Authoress: There we go!! Sudden silence, sudden heat...

Elphaba: He may be that boy...

Authoress and Elphaba: But I'm not that girl.

Olive Snook: Don't dream too far...

Elphaba: Don't lose sight of who you are...

Authoress: Don't remember that rush of joy.

Snape: She may be that girl... but I'm not that guy.

Elphaba: Umm, hello... This is _my _soliloquy, you know.

Snape: But we all can relate to this song.

Authoress: Yeah, it's like our life's theme song... Hold on, shouldn't you be torturing Harry Potter?

Snape: I only hate him because of a really complicated plot!!

Elphaba: Ooh, I'd love to hear this.

Snape: Well, it turns out that I'm...

(Beeped out because of spoilers)

Elphaba: Wow.

Authoress: Double wow.

Olive Snook: Triple wow.

Galinda: One thousand wow!!

Elphaba, Authoress, Olive Snook, and Snape: Galinda!! You're not supposed to be here!! Go away!!

Galinda: OK!! (goes away)

Elphaba: Ev'ry so often we long to steal to the land of what might-have-been...

Olive Snook: But that doesn't soften the ache we feel when reality sets back in...

Authoress: (runs sobbing offstage) I'm sorry!! _I'm sorry!! _

Olive Snook: OK, then...

Snape: There's a guy I know, she loves her so...

Snape, Authoress, Elphaba, and Olive Snook: I'm not that girl...

Snape: Guy...

(It starts to rain)

Elphaba: Wow, this day just keeps getting better and better. (Seeing Authoress's Sarcast-o-meter) Ten.

Olive Snook: O my!! It's Wednesday at 8!! I have to go!! (runs away)

Elphaba: Well, on the bright side, I guess the rain proves to everyone that I don't melt.

Authoress: Oh yeah!!

Madame Morrible: (comes onstage) Hola!! I have tickets to the Emerald City!!

Elphaba: Yay!!

Madame Morrible: And for reasons even I can't fathom, I got two tickets!! Just to complicate the plot even further!!

Elphaba: Two?

Madame Morrible: Yes, two!! Maybe you can take that Hunky Winky Prince With The Scandalicious Reputation!

Elphaba: Umm...

Madame Morrible: Come on... you know you want to...

Elphaba: OK!! But... it's raining.

Madame Morrible: So?

Elphaba: Well, I was wondering if you had any secret talents to, you know, stop the rain or something.

Madame Morrible: Oh yeah!! (Claps and rain stops) **Didn't I ever tell you, dear? Weather is my specialty!**

Elphaba: And that is in bold because...

Authoress: That statement will be important later in the play.

Elphaba: Ah. I see. I better go pack my clothes.

Madame Morrible: Pack all of them. I don't think you'll be coming back to Shiz.

Elphaba: Why not??

Madame Morrible: Oh, no reason... (gets a text message) "U r now da wzrds press secrtry! Congrats!" How convenient!!

Elphaba: I know... Texting? Isn't there an age limit to that kinda stuff? Like, 20 years old?

Madame Morrible: Lol. C u l8r!!

Elphaba: Spare me...

Madame Morrible: ;-)

* * *

****

A/n: 2-08: Again, sorry if that wasn't very funny. Not in a good mood since Pushing Daisies isn't on any more because of the strike.

**Please review!!**

**4-08: I'm sorry it's been two whole months since I've updated this!! I' working on a new chapter right now!! (OK, I'm not, but I'll start now. I swear.)**

**-YL**


	11. Innuendos, Outuendos

**A/n: 4-16-08: When you get the the "air quotes" toward the end of this chapter, it helps to read them out loud. Maybe even change your tone of voice. Trust me. :-)**

**Oh, and I revised the first ten chapters. Not a lot... I just got rid of the non-funny stuff. And I added some A/n's, dialogue... etc. You get the point. Just wanted to let you know.**

**Chapter 11: Innuendos, Outuendos...**

(At the train station.)

Galinda: Elphie!! Don't leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeave meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

Elphaba: Wha-

Galinda: I mean, who else can I complain to about Fiyero?

Elphaba: What's wrong with Fiyero?!

Galinda: He's been THINKING!! I don't know what to do!!

Elphaba: That's it.

Galinda: What?

Elphaba: He's totally hott, scandalicious, a prince, AND he thinks?! He's my soul mate.

Galinda: Don't you remember our DTL scene? Where we said we were perfect together? Born to be forever?

Elphaba: Err... noo...

Galinda: (magically brightening) Look!! There he is now!! AND OH MY HE HAS FLOWERS!! HE DOES LOVE ME!! Unless, of course, he gives them to you. Then I'll know something is up between you two.

Elphaba: Umm...

Fiyero: (hands flowers to Elphaba) Here. I got these for you. As a secret sign that I love you!!

Galinda: Oh no!! I was right!!

Elphaba: I love you too!!

(Elphaba and Fiyero get closer and closer.)

Galinda: (trying to put a stop to the blatant Fiyeraba.) My name's now Glinda!!

Fiyero: Why?

Glinda: Because that's what Dr. Dillamond called me!! And now every time Elphie says my name, she'll think of her jailed teacher!! What a great plan!!

Elphaba: Holy Oz, that's actually a good plan. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE WORLD?! Anyways, Glinda, would you like to come to the Emerald City with me?

Glinda: Ooh!! Yes!!

Elphaba: It'll only be for _One Short Day_, though.

Glinda: Why can't we stay longer?

Elphaba: I dunno. That's what the script says. And you know what they say: "The script is like a golden Bible. Look at it, read it_, but don't change it_."

Authoress: I never heard that-

Elphaba: -seeing as I just made that up. So, are you ready to go?

Glinda: Yep!! I conveniently packed my bag, in case you asked me to go.

Elphaba: What luck!!

(At the Emerald City)

Elphaba: (loud GASP) I feel...

Glinda: Sick?

Authoress: Worried?

Glinda: Nervous?

Authoress: Vengeful?

Elphaba: Like I _belong._

Authoress: Yeah. That'll last.

Elphaba and Glinda: I wanna be in this hoi polli!!

Authoress: Hoi polli?

Elphaba: I have no clue.

Glinda: I think it's a type of hot sausage.

Authoress: That statement can be taken multiple ways.

Glinda: Elphie!! Come on!! We'll be late for Wiz-o-Mania!!

Authoress: Does this remind you of Stalin's Russia? Anyone?

(Freaky eggs painted to look like humans appear.)

Eggs: Who's the mage? Who's major itinerary is making all Oz merrier?

Elphaba: These eggs can talk?! What is _this_?!

Eggs: Who's the sage-?

Glinda: Sage?

Elphaba: I think it's like a herb or something.

Authoress: Who's the herb...? No, that doesn't sound right.

Elphaba: It's 'erb. Not herb. The "h" is silent.

Authoress: So it's like a Spanish "h"?

Elphaba: Sure.

Authoress: But I have a cousin Herby!! We don't call him 'erby!!

Elphaba: Well...

Authoress: I wonder what Herby's short for. Herbivore?

Elphaba: (sarcastically) So your cousin's name is "plant-eater".

Authoress: (suddenly defensive) Is there a problem?

Elphaba: Hey you're the one who... Oh, never mind. I have to sing.

Authoress: Fine! Be that way!

Elphaba and Glinda: And then just like now we can say... we're just two friends...

Elphaba: Two good friends!

Glinda: Two best friends!

Elphaba: Two best best friends!!

Glinda: Two BEST "friends"!!

Authoress: Yet another example of how putting a word in quotes turns it into an innuendo.

Glinda: Oh yeah? Give me another example!

Authoress: Lancelot and Guinevere went to go have "apple pie" in the garden.

Elphaba: True.

Authoress: Some sentences don't even need quotes. Example: Hercules can _go the distance_.

Elphaba: Oh, stop!

Authoress: Now you're thinking about innuendos, so every sentence can be taken as one.

Guard: The wizard will see you now!!

Elphaba: (Eyes wide)

Authoress: You took that as an innuendo, didn't you?

Elphaba: (nods)

Authoress: I may have changed your life. For the rest of your life, every sentence someone says to you, no matter how innocent, will have a double meaning.

Glinda: Let's go "see" the Wizard!!

Authoress: "See?!" What are _you _planning to do, Glinda?!

Glinda: (grins) Why do you think I came here?

* * *

**A/n: I am sooo sorry it took me so long to update!! I've been busy. (But I was stupid and signed up for all honors/AP classes next year... I am going to DIE.)**

**So, St. Patty's Day- we could wear green with uniform. Yes, I wore my Defy Gravity shirt. Yes, I got odd looks. Yes, my friends and my English teacher rolled their eyes.**

**Oh, and I'm gonna see Wicked again!! I'm soo excited!!**


	12. Defying Popsicles?

**Disclaimer: If I owned Wicked, I would be totally happy right now. But I don't. Excuse me while I shoot myself. :)**

**Chapter 12: Defying... Popsicles?**

(Elphaba and Glinda walk into the Wizard's Special Room.)

The Wizard: This. Is. OZ!!

Glinda: (cowering in fear)

Elphaba: Umm...

The Wizard: Who dares to bug me?!

Elphaba: Idiot. Don't you recognize my green skin?

The Wizard: Hey! It's my ticket to success! How's it going, Fabala?

Elphaba: Only my father calls me that.

The Wizard: Who's to say I'm not your father?

Glinda: I knew it!

Elphaba: Umm... I'm going to steer the conversation away from this awkward subject now... What did you want?

The Wizard: I want Glinda to bow before my throne, and I'll decree she'll hence be known...

The Wizard and Glinda: (singing) As Glinda the Good, officially!

The Wizard: Then with a jealous scream, you'll bust from concealment...

Glinda: Where you had been lurking... surreptitiously...

Elphaba: Can I say a few things?

The Wizard: Sure.

Elphaba: One- Glinda, do you even know what the heck "surreptitiously" is?

Glinda: Silly! It means sweet! Like maple syrup! Syrup-tish-ish-ly!

Elphaba: Moving on... Two: You guys DO realize that what you said doesn't actually HAPPEN? It's just a STORY. Made up to SLANDER me. You're supposed to get me to read from the Grimmerie, remember?

The Wizard: Crap. Well, there's a funny story about that...

Elphaba: Do tell.

The Wizard: I may have lost it...

Elphaba: That's nice. The great and powerful leader of Oz lost the most important book ever. Way to go.

The Wizard: But don't worry, I made you a spell to read!

Elphaba: You made it?

The Wizard: Yep!

Elphaba: Should I be suspicious?

The Wizard: (shifty eyes) Noo...

Elphaba: OK... (reads spell)

Glinda: Look! The monkey has WINGS!!

Elphaba: You idiot! Monkeys shouldn't have Red Bull! AREN'T THEY ADHD ENOUGH ALREADY?!

The Wizard: That was all you.

Elphaba: Really? But why did you want them to have wings?

The Wizard: So they can spy on Animals!

Elphaba: What for?

Morrible: (appearing) To make sure no Animals have Popsicles!

Elphaba: GASP.

The Wizard: Now, before you go all defy-gravity-floaty on us, here me out. If Animals can't have Popsicles, there will be more for us! We can finally stop fighting swine to get the coveted Blue Popsicle!

Elphaba: (coldly) I don't like Blue Popsicles.

The Wizard: But still! Think of how many more Popsicles they'll be to go around!

Elphaba: Go die. (runs away, trips over something.) Hey, look! The Grimmerie!

The Wizard: Flippin' Oz... How did it get_ over there_?!

Elphaba: What luck! (runs away with The Grimmerie)

Glinda: Ughness. Elphie! Wait! (runs after Elphie.)

The Wizard: Guards!! Get the green thing!

Guards: (appearing) Is that an innuendo?

The Wizard: NO!

(Guards scurry away.)

Elphaba: Oh crap! There's no more stairs!

Authoress: Why the heck would you go upstairs?! Don't you ever watch horror movies?

Elphaba: In hindsight, it probably would have been better to run out a back door.

Authoress: You say that now!

(Glinda runs in.)

Glinda: What the crap, Elphie?? _Upstairs?! _WHAT were you thinking??

Elphaba: I realized that already, thanks.

Glinda: Elphie, listen to me. You can still be with the Wizard. Just... say you're sorry. You can have all you ever wanted...

Elphaba: I know. But Glinda... he's denying Animals of Popsicles! I can't let him get away with that.

Glinda: Yeah, I figured. Before you go, you need a catchphrase.

Elphaba: Like...?

Glinda: Like: "Confront Magnitude"?

Elphaba: "It's time I tried confronting magnitude..." Nah.

Glinda: "Challenge Conformity"?

Elphaba: Er...

Glinda: Ooh! Ooh! How about "Defy Gravity"?

Elphaba: Hold on, let me check the script... Yep! That's it!

Glinda: Yay!

Elphaba: How awfully convenient! I'm supposed to "defy gravity" at the end of this scene! It's like a double meaning!

Authoress: W00t for hidden meanings!!

Elphaba: Like innuendos...

Authoress: Hey. We already had the innuendo chat LAST chapter.

Elphaba: The "innuendo chat".

Authoress: YOU ARE CORRUPTING THE MINDS OF READERS, ELPHABA THROPP. PLEASE STOP OR I'LL BE FORCED TO REMOVE YOU... FORCIBLY.

Elphaba: (sigh) Whatever.

(Guards knock at the door.)

Glinda: Elphie! Do something!

Elphaba: (chanting)

Glinda: So you do the spell that got us into this mess in the first place?! It's like you've lost your mind... or you're in love... OR YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH A PERSON WITHOUT A MIND!!

Elphaba: (suddenly nervous) Glinda...

Glinda: It's all clear to me now! Why you've been avoiding me when I talk about Fiyero! IT MAKES SENSE!!

Elphaba: Let me explain...

Glinda: You're in love with an inanimate object!

Elphaba: I swear, we never did anythi- What?!

Glinda: Yep! And whenever I start to talk about Fiyero, you would walk away because you didn't want to tell anyone about your secret love!

Elphaba: Umm... sure?

Authoress: You sound like me with my conspiracy theories, Glinda.

(Broom appears, floating.)

Glinda: Ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh. Pretty...

Elphaba: W00t! My ticket to freedom! (grabs broom)

(Guards burst in.)

Guards: Yeah, we really don't think you're wicked.

Elphaba: Really?

Guards: Yep.

Elphaba: Coolio!

(Morible appears)

Morrible: Citizens of Oz, there is a terror among us! This horror, this repulsion, this_... Wicked Witch!! _

Guards: What did she ever do?

Morrible: She stole Popsicles off young children!

Guards: GASP.

Elphaba: Cra-ap. (flies up into air) So if you care to find me, look to the Western sky!

Glinda: California?

Elphaba: Fiyero's castle, silly.

Glinda: Should I be suspicious?

Elphaba: (shifty eyes) No... And nobody, in all of Oz, no Wizard that there is or was, is ever gonna bring meeeeeeeeeeee down!

Guards: Look at her! She steals Popsicles off young children! Get her!

Elphaba: Bring meeeee-

(A kid with a grape Popsicle walks in.)

Elphaba: Fight the temptation... fight the temptation... FIGHT THE TEMPTATION!! AHHH! (swoops down and grabs the grape Popsicle from kid.)

Kid: What the crap?!

Elphaba: Mmmmppphhh. (Translation: My mouth's full, but I want to point out that nobody in Oz is ever going to bring me down again. Including small children with Popsicles. That was a one-time deal. I swear.)

Glinda: I hope you're happy!

Elphaba: Ahhh!!

Audience: Ahhh!!

Glinda: Ahhh!!

Guards: So we've got to bring her...

Elphaba: Ahhhhh!!

Guards: Down!!

(The music ends, the curtain closes, and the lights go up.)

Authoress: (in awe) Wow.

* * *

**A/n: 5-24-08: I'm not gonna lie. I didn't think I'd be able to poke fun at Defying Gravity. It means to much to me (and everyone I think). So that's why it's ends up in the same point- everyone thinks Elphie is wicked- but the means to the end is different.**

**Wow. Means to the end? ... Flashback to religion earlier this year...**

**(Now, bear with me as I go on tangent.)**

**Holy Oz. This year went fast. I'm depressed it's almost over... Seven more days... Wow. I've changed so much. I can't believe it... Next year will be so different. (sad face) For one thing, I won't have Ms V for homeroom. (Yeah, she's my homeroom teacher... what luck!) And I won't have Mr Mc... How will my conspiracy theories survive?**

**Let me go cry, please.**

**(On a lighter note, at the senior walk-thru, Ms V stood by me and we made sarcastic comments to each other the whole time about how awkward it was. Kinda like Katie and I and the movies.)**

**So maybe you can brighten my day by telling me what the heck BAS is. Heard of it. Have no clue what it is. :)**

**Luv you all.**

**Heart, **

**Yorkie**

**PS If I don't respond to your reviews quickly... Well, it's finals time.**


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